Friday, May 8, 2015

Alcoholism: A love story - Part VI: Drunk & Abusive

I'd be the last person to claim to have had sex with your mother. She's hideous. I could do better on even my worst of days, and so could your father. He probably does, not just to get away from that deformity that spawned you but from your depressing sight as well. I know *you* would like to fuck her, she's the only woman capable of ever loving someone like you. But honestly it would be best if the whole family tree was erased for the sake of the betterment of the human race.

While not directed at anyone in particular, and not borne of the spur of the moment, the above is a rather general representation of what occurs when I've had too much to drink and roam the internet. That is not to say it is limited to the virtual world, I am just as insufferable when I am talking to people in real life while drunk. But for the sake of getting the point across, online trolling to the furthest degree best describes my point of just how well my anti-social tendencies go out of control when a sizeable amount of the juice is involved.

That's really it, I'm an abusive drunk, and there is little I can do about it. Trust me, I wish I could, because it has cost me more friends than I can count, not to mention the countless potential future friends I have quickly made weary of me before any positive relationship could ever begin to blossom. People who know me from when I am or have been drinking generally regard me as either a nuisance or an ass, and for good reason, because I am both those things when drunk. To strangers, to acquaintances, to friends, at times even to family. I just seem to run my mouth without regard for the feelings of other people or the consequences of my actions in general. What that leads to is no good for others or myself.

There are two main reasons why this happens. The first is the not too dishonourable intention of friendly ribbing. I've been doing that for as long as I can think back, and all my friends have always done the same. It's something that in itself does no harm. You poke fun at each other. It's not something that is intended to offend or hurt anyone, you just make a joke, your opposite knows it's a joke and makes one himself, just something you do with "the guys" (I think it's more of a man thing, or at least men do it more than women.) The problem when alcohol is involved is that you totally lose perspective of what can be considered friendly or hostile. You think you are making a harmless joke, or don't really think, I guess, but assume so, but what comes out of your mouth - or your fingers in the case of online trolling - ends up seriously offensive on a personal level. And when that happens it does not matter what your intentions are or what assumption you operate under, you end up being an asshole.

The second main reason is that under the influence, at least in my case, one ends up getting really sensitive to what others say, which provokes intense reactions. Someone says something you disagree with or don't expect, and you end up deeply offended and enraged for some reason. I can only explain it with the lifting of inhibitions from alcohol, which has few positive effects (making you less shy and more social in certain settings) and a ton of negative ones, such as the previously described running rampant of your emotions. So it's really any innocent remark that can spark a reaction from the drunk one, myself, that seems like the opposite just defecated on the grave of someone one cares for. It's a perfect recipe for drunken abusive behaviour, firing up your emotions while at the same time your inhibitions are lifted and your moral compass on what is a reasonable thing to say is pretty much gone. A perfect recipe for disaster.

The real problem is that I in no way enjoy behaving that way, not while I engage in such behaviour and certainly not the next day when I've sobered up and think back about the shit I've said to people. Some people, really despicable people, take great pleasure in being abusive, being asses to others, hurting others. I hate it. I really fucking hate it. I don't like being an ass to others, and I certainly have no desire to ever hurt another person. It really is the least favourite of mine of things connected to drinking, and I keep wishing there was a way to take things back. There is none, of course.

But really, the best way to deal with the problem is to avoid it in the first place. I have never quite given up alcohol entirely, but I try to avoid it to the best of my abilities to not end up in a situation in which I display shitty behaviour in the first place. And when I do want to drink, the only way to avoid such behaviour is to make sure I only drink when I'm in a good mood, as that circumvents the problem almost entirely, being a generally friendly and social person when I'm in a good mood. It's no bulletproof solution, it still happens every now end then that I end up drinking while in a bad mood and being the abusive ass I've come to be known for over the years. But avoiding such situations has helped a lot in alleviating the undesired need to run my mouth, and I hope that along the way, as I keep trying to do better, maybe I stand a chance of clearing my reputation as well.

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