Monday, May 18, 2015

Alcoholism: A love story - Part VIII: Sober

At this point I have written so much about the dark side of alcoholism, I think it's time I mention "the other side" that I've come to know recently. After detox in August 2009 I stayed sober for two and a half years. It was a pretty shitty time because there's some sort of post-alcoholic depression that I don't know whether it's something semi-official doctors know about or just my bad luck or my brain's way of punishing me. Symptoms of my anxiety disorders were going rampant, couldn't leave the house, felt like crap all day every day.

I was however in psychiatric treatment, and though I went through many false diagnoses - mainly schizophrenia - and thus went through the wrong types of treatment for a long time, through trial and error, doctors eventually found ways to alleviate some symptoms. More and more of them over time. This is turn made me more social and I generally found myself doing a little more, which helped, too. Anxiety disorder and depression were still a big issue, but I had some slight relief in some areas.

Eventually I felt comfortable enough to have a few drinks here and then. It was never a big deal to me because I was never convinced that you'd relapse from drinking once, you'd have to drink over a longer period of time for addiction to kick in again. And I was right. Drinking occasionally was no issue at all. In fact, doctors told me that it really isn't that much of an issue as long as I pace myself and don't overdo it. It did however become more of an issue every now and then, there were times when I would drink several days in a row, or when I'd drink regularly every week. Those times were usually associated with a general feeling crappy. A lot of depression usually means I am more prone to drinking not entirely out of control, but with less than full control. I did have to do one smaller detox in December 2014, not in any way comparable to the big detox in 2009, but it was something I had to do at the hospital because I had overdone things a little and my body told me it was not amused. After that I was still fine with drinking occasionally, but I still had periods when I couldn't fully handle it.

So about a month ago I decided that's it, I'm going to stay sober for the time being. Things have changed since the last time I stayed sober. As you can see in the first post of my "Pills..."-series, I got new stuff called ziprasidone which helps a lot with my depression and anxiety. Had it since February 2015. With that stuff in my system, sobriety really is an amazing experience I haven't felt in a very long time. All of a sudden there's all sorts of stuff I find myself being able to do. Just look at the amount of posts on this blog I have written recently. I've also been working on a lot of music (I'm a musician, guess the genre), been working on drawing band logos which I think I am quite good at, have been starting to get into learning to code (website stuff, as in html, css, php, javascript), and there's a ton of other things I want to get into. I've even been starting on my idea of writing a novel. I have a lot of creative energy and with the new med and the extended period (by my standards) of sobriety so far I have a lot of drive and ambition to put all my ideas into action, make everything a reality.

Whether or not I will eventually get myself two sixpacks of some nice German beer eventually and have a little party with myself or friends I do not know. Tomorrow I start a long-term inpatient anxiety therapy at a very high profile clinic, which could be around three months, obviously no drinking there. But after that I do not know. What I do know is that right now, being sober works miracles for my disposition. I feel great. I feel better than I have in a long time. It's something every drinker should do sometimes, take an extended/open-ended break, live your life a little. A few years ago, "yolo" aka "you only live once" has been a popular slogan among morons to justify doing some total shit with your life. For me, "you only live once" means that you should use as much of that one life you have to make an impression on the world people will remember. Do something good, or at least something you think is good. Being wasted can be great, but spending most of your time not being wasted leads to something even greater. Something like a rewarding, fulfilling life.

Not trying to preach here, and I certainly didn't turn anti-alcohol. Just enjoying this extended/open-ended break a lot. I'll likely have a couple drinks again some time in the future, but after my current experience with sobriety, I'm going to make long, productive periods my focus in life. It's the true "yolo." And it's awesome.

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